Sometimes ya just have to say “MUCK IT”!

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WARNING:

This is not going to be an inspiring, feel gooey, love post.

Nope.  This is going to be raw and bleeding; angry and infectious. This is going to ooze the pus and muck of a mind that has absorbed and sustained all the darkness and vile that it can take.

This is ME right at this moment.  Non-medicated and at the end of my ropes.  Once this has been written and the sunrise of a new day is upon me, I will either be embarrassed or regretful for spewing out these words, but I will be a better, healthier person for it.  Perhaps I will have helped someone who may be feeling the same way.  There will be some folks who will read this and be frightened for my sanity and well-being.  NO matter.  I still say MUCK IT!

YES IT WAS A MUCKED UP YEAR!

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Over the course of this past year I have been living in a personal nightmare the magnitude and proportion that I perceive as gargantuan.  Perhaps a child of Aleppo, or the families of children who were shot dead by police officers, or the families of police officers who were shot dead by citizens will look at my personal drama and tragedies and say “hah, you call that a nightmare?”  It is all in the perception of one’s own mind, though isn’t it?

Therefore, I will keep in mind as I proceed with this post that there are others living in crises far worse than mine.  I will acknowledge their pain and ache for their travesties.  I am not heartless, only lacking in a point of reference to their situations.  So, I will allow myself as this is MY post to extrapolate on all that has killed my soul this past year.

HOW DO YOU WATCH SOMEONE YOU LOVE …?

I have watched my Love, my burning, warm Candle, my Mate, my Fella, diminish into a frail little man. By no fault of his own, his disease has eaten away at his body, hindered his mind and is trying to battle Thunder Dome status of his spirit. ‘Two men enter, one man leaves.’  Thankfully, his spirit is the champion of that battle and thus far, he has come out victorious.

Everything that use to be Sue and Dave is no more.  I know that sounds so sad. It is.  We are not THAT Sue and Dave anymore.  My memories of THAT Sue and Dave are long and sweet and I hold them so tenderly to my heart.  I still have vivid pictures in my eyes right now of many moments of giggling, passion, contentment, touching, rolling eyes, disgruntled sighs, passive aggressive, supportive, sweet, sweet, tenderness and dorkiness.  I can’t share all our moments because that’s for US.  That’s my gift that I will get to keep long after we are no longer together.  I’ll pull one of those moments out when I will long for his smell and touch and stupid face. I’ll pull one of those memories out and squeeze it to my neck until the ache passes and I can move on again.

I have spent the past year it seems in constant sadness.  It is almost like having a part of your body that is permanently broken; but just a little.  Just enough broken that you are always aware of it, yet you can still function as a normal, breathing, walking upright human being.  I function fairly well I think.  Some days though it feels like “barely functioning”.  I mean how many times can a person cry for Godsakes in a day, in a week?  Don’t tears ever run out?  Shouldn’t I be losing massive amounts of weight from all this crying?  What?  No?  NO FAIR!!  But that’s just it.  Mother MUCKIN LIFE isn’t fair, is it?

I am slowly losing my mate.  Not today.  Not tomorrow.  But one day, HE will move on from this Earth.  We won’t be Sue and Dave anymore.  WE will be ME – SUE.  *big, huge sigh*

I realize that we all must die.  Some of us haven’t had the opportunity to know that our time is short.  Or some of us do and it still matters not.  Maybe I have wasted a lot of this past year acclimating to his sickness and the change in our roles as a couple; when I should be focusing on making more memories and loving every damn day that I have with that man.  I guess I have been stuck in my muck more days this past year, wasting away with sadness.  I should have done better to cling to the fact that I HAVE these days to be with that sweet POLOCK, and stop being so mucking sad.  It will be my challenge and honor though this next year to do better at this.

But hey, I’m still furious at how this past year has chewed us up to the marrow.  (speaking of marrow…that’s the culprit right there.  Marrow was the catalyst to all the shitty muck in the first place.  Asshole Marrow!  Muck YOU!)

How does a couple who battled the Mylofibrosis/Acute Myloid Leukemia over four years come out WINNING only to have pancreatic cancer grip its bony, slimy fingers around our throats and say “not so fast, assholes!”   Muck you!  I hate you cancer!  I wish that your mother would get anal cancerous warts.  That’s how much I hate you cancer.  How’s that for vile?

I find myself slithering down upon the floor when I feel like this at times.  The anger and sadness gel together in to one wretched emotion.  It is those times when I think I might not be able to deal with anything else.  Strangely though, I do.  Every gawddang time.

OTHER LOSSES

I miss being a career woman with a purpose.  I miss using my mind analytically.  I definitely miss having an above average median income.  I miss seeing my retirement fund grow.  I MISS HAVING A RETIREMENT FUND and that security that went with having one. I miss that security I had giving my kids a $100 now and then or splurging on some small item for the house, never worrying what I did would make us overdraw in the account.  I miss having thousands rather than a few hundred in a savings account.  I miss having the doable dreams of buying airfare tickets overseas, a $3000 used Harley I had my eye on, and the cabana bungalow that I rented in Belize as a surprise to my sweetie, that I had to cancel.  For me, losing my job feels like it happened just last month rather than just last year.  One of my many scars that still feels fresh and raw.  Even though everything I just mentioned was about money; and we all know money can’t make you happy, it did give me a sense of security and hope.  I had small dreams that would easily materialize for us, if I continued with some fortitude.  Cargill sold me out. Cargill sucked all the marrow out of my bones, that’s for sure.  Muck you Cargill.  I hate you too!

I am livid about the future of our country.  There are days I can barely even read FB posts, Twitter trending moments, watching the news or even listening to people talk.  I’m scared.  I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  Perhaps I am losing my mind.  How can this country be so mucked up?  How can this country also be so wonderful?  What an oxymoron!  What a moron that is going to run this country!  What morons there are in this country!  God help us all!

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I am deeply saddened by all those who have died this year.  My Lord!  Why?  The list of famous people who have died influenced us for generations.  Their testimonies revealed the brutalities never known until they opened our eyes, their music and lyrics carry tunes of our lives through our minds, their movies will keep us entertained for years to come, their books, their fashion, their bravery and courage, their athleticism and political leadership will ever be a mark in our memories. I implore you, LOOK at that list.  It spans almost every aspect of life you can imagine.

There have been some shocking deaths of people I knew this year that personally have taken my breath away too.  I grapple with those and find it hard to understand when I think of their families still having to carry on without them.

I think what is happening to me lately because of the overwhelming parody of crap that has happened this past year is the awakening fact that I am no longer a nice person.  My filters were thin already, but now I seem to have none at all.  I cannot stand pettiness.  I flee from phoniness pronto. Ignorance? Get all the sharp objects miles away from me. I cannot tolerate intolerance.  I get very judgy on judgementalism.  I’m a pair of handcuffs away from any act of violence right now.  I carry a green heart.  I can no longer gaze at the pristine beach shots of those of you that selfishly post with abandon while gloriously lounging upon them.  How dare you have the means and time to voraciously travel to luscious destinations beyond my own abilities that you so earnestly deserve!   I do not care anymore that you are sipping on a Mai Tai in Tahiti.  My tender, envious heart won’t allow me to like, laugh or give you even a mere thumbs up.  I no longer have the capacity to be happy about your good fortune to travel and get the muck away for your droll life while I am still stuck here in deep doo-doo in DooDah.  How’s that for ugly?

I’m mad as hell.  I’m sick of my life.  I’m sick of people.  I am frustrated with our country.  I’m just mucking overwhelmed with EVERYTHING.  I AM SHOUTING!  AAARGH! SHIT! HELL! DAMN! POOP!

Whew.  Breeeeeathe.

AND THEN GRATITUDE SINKS IN

I feel like I am losing at life.  And yet, – no.  My dilapidated house is still vibrant with Christmas color and decorations.  It’s messy. Again.  There’s actual good food in my fridge right now.  Some weeks it’s bare and we get on with our Ramen Noodle or Baked Potato evenings.

I can still pick up the phone and hear the real, live voices of my elderly mother and father, who are so sweet and dear to me right now.  I’m a shit daughter who hasn’t always given my all to them, but damn I’m lucky that I still have them around.  I’m scared that I will be losing them soon too because it is all about the circle of Life and that’s a reality.  I must stop fearing that life’s timing is not my own.  I’ll never be able to control when the Universe decides that it is time to call someone in to Her arms.

my-girls

I don’t care what you say about your kids, but my daughters are the best!  Each one of them gives me love, warmth and encouragement in their own way. They are actually looking out for me, their ole Mom.  Amazing isn’t it? They are all in the same city right now and I damn well better cherish that before they get brave and realize that their own life adventures are a gas tank and a plane ticket away.  I have tried to encourage them to get the muck out of DooDah, while secretly at the same time hoping they don’t.  Twisted, conflicted, love of a mother; that’s what that is.

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Through all the cesspool of sewage that I have dealt with this past year, I cannot walk, talk or breathe without remembering the pure goodness of the friends that I have. This includes my sister as well.  Those women (mostly) who have called me, texted me, or post things to me only because they were thinking of me.  They have told me that they love me, hugged me, let me weep and ugly cry to their faces; they have sent me money when I didn’t ask just because that’s who they are; they have been my voice of reason when I couldn’t hold a clear thought in my head; they’ve bought me wine and let me just hang around and take up space.  They have never forgotten me.  I have to remind myself of this…the greatest of all my blessings, especially when I feel so utterly defeated and alone, that they are just a phone call away.  And they like me.  They actually, really do like me.  I don’t know why.  For all the reasons I have stated above about my horrible self, they still care about me.  God help them.  GOD LOVE THEM.

I have spewed enough venomous spittle for one day now.  I will take my meds, go do some dishes, wash my hair,  brush my teeth.  Spend some loving time with that dork of a Polock in the hospital today and be glad.

That is all.

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Whatever gets ya thru the Muck…. An Ode to my Friends

This is an homage to my friendships and a celebration of ALL friendships in kind

We get by with a little help from our friends!  There’s nothing more apropos than this Beatles omen.  Since the challenge that our “new” life has taken on, I will swear by that statement.  Family and Friends.  That’s where’s it at.  Without them, we are sunk!  I wonder in fact, since we began traversing this recent sludgy new muck, that the main reason for WHY we have to trudge it at all is because it has made me become acutely aware of the pure authenticity of my friendships.  These gals (and a couple guys) genuinely care about me (oh yeh, and that other guy).  I think it has also made me aware that I’m not quite as much of an asshole as I thought I was!  I mean after all, if I was truly an asshole and wicked a-ww-ful bitch (in my best “Townie” accent) would I be able to experience the warm embrace of love and support that my/our peeps have shown us?  Without each of you,  I would be fetal everyday, all day!  I pay HOMAGE to you.  It’s my best way of showing you how grateful I am.

Ab Fab

A friendship that has no boundaries… I mean absolutely no boundaries and has “barely” passed the test of time.

 

JO-JO

I have a friend named Jo-Jo.  We’ve known each other for 26 years now.  Our friendship is one of those kinds that endures because we’ve traveled together.  You know how well you get to know another female when you share a bathroom and a bed together?  Yup that’s our friendship.  And she’s seen my vagina!  So there’s that too.  Oh come on!  Get your head out of the muck!  She was there when I gave birth to my youngest, SareyBelle!  She saw me “really open up”!

Jo-Jo calls me or texts me every week to see how I’m doing.  She encourages me to take on little do-it-yourself projects that I never felt I was capable of!  She asks about my kids!  Actually interested in their well-being even though she has kids and g-kids of her own. She has never made me feel like I was less than what I was.  She doesn’t ever judge me, but quietly assesses my dumb choices through shaking her damn head and supporting me.  I feel her love for me and my fella when we are together.  Spending a day sorting through her mothers old clothes and things, or hanging out in her glorious backyard for hours are treasured merely because I got to spend it with her. It feels natural and comfortable to be with her; that’s how warm our friendship is to me. Her Southern roots have opened me up to a whole culture that I have come to understand better through her cherished memories of family and friends and just her damn charm and accent. She has made Dave’s cancer more bearable for me!  I love her.  I want her to know that I can endure things better knowing that she is my best friend AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

KORI

Kori is my newest friendship – January 2012 at work.  It has been a giggle-fest ever since. They made the mistake of putting our cubes near each other!  Even though both of us gals have had a long history of life events and friendships before we met, there seemed to be a connection that came as natural as breathing for us.  I think what really bonded us was me passively, aggressively inviting myself over to her house after work one Friday evening. We proceeded to sip our vodkas out on her patio and became “vulnerable” with each other.  Now I don’t know how most women feel about allowing the floodgates to trickle through, but apparently it was just what we both needed.  Maybe it was the “new blood, new ears” approach of telling our tales of woe to each other; whatever it was, it felt great.

I think I really took a chance with Kori.  Once you reach a certain age, forming new female friendships seems to be harder.  I think it has to do with trust issues and all the mucking garbage that has been dumpster-dived in our lives already.  At least that’s how it was for me.  I approached, she responded.  It’s been bliss ever since.  She is my voice of reason. Sometimes the brilliance of her coo-coo mind makes me take a moment and realize that I still have some living to do and not to give up.  I have allowed Kori to know and see me at my ugliest…that is in thoughts and emotions…and although I at times have concerned her, I know that she wants me to “SNAP OUT OF IT” and be the better Sue that I am.  Going to Kori’s house is like a mini-vacation for me.  I breathe again.  I just am again.  Heck I’ve even taken a bath at her house and know where shit is!  Now that’s something.  She also texts me often.  Sometimes its wacky; but most times it’s making sure that I’m ok.  She even wants my future to be ok.  She’s not gonna give up on me.  I know that.  And every month when the moon is full, I think of her.  Somehow we have become Moon Sisters and honored that she loves me.  I love her too!

LUCY

Lucy should be spelled A-N-G-E-L.  That’s what Lucy has been to me.  We met working out at a gym some 20 years ago here in Wichita.  Our youngest daughters nearly share the same birthday. I brag that I have a British friend and her name is Xena!  Actually she looks a little bit like Xena.  Certainly tries to act like Xena.  In fact, her heart is as big and as cool as Xenas.  She’s an Amazonian Warrior Goddess that is altogether beautiful, ballsy and blimey at once!  She knows some dark history about me that I feel pretty confident she hasn’t shared with anyone, unless it was with that dote of a hubby of hers -Martyn.  In that case, it’s ok.   I just know that Lucy was there for me during an especially dumb time in my life, sans judgment but bearing compassion.  We shared some extremely goofy times together usually involving either laughing at our children, getting slobbered on by huge dogs, or consuming alcohol.  Even though she has lived in Bristol, England for quite some time now, I feel a deep bond to her even today.  She has helped Dave and I understand some of the interwoven mesh that involves bone marrow transplantation and I’ve currently consulted her on the mucky pancreatic cancer that Dave is going through now.  Lucy tells me like it is, but softly envelops it with love and kindness. The way she treats me may NOT be extraordinary to those who also know and love her, because Lucy has this uncanny way of treating EVERYONE with love, compassion and zaniness.  But I FEEL special when she showers her love on me! It is common knowledge that the cancer patient usually is the one that gets the most deserved attention.  Lucy reminded me that sometimes the caregiver needs a little TLC too by surprising me with a glorious care package of “bits and bobs” that she so lovingly sent to just lil ole me!  That’s Lucy.  In a package.

Lucy and I live worlds apart.  She is globally connected, well-traveled and a mega-ton more experienced in EVERYTHING than I am. I’m virtually – globally connected, North American traveled and probably more Jimi Hendrix experienced than she is.  Somehow though, our friendship has endured 4,424 miles (that’s 7119.738 kilometers for our dear Brits calculations) PLUS 20 years.  I know one day I will hop that pond and stay with her for a short time.  It will be like just like the day we were standing on the outside of the gym’s childcare window…I asked her which child was hers.  She replied in her fast, delightful accent, “the one with the green snot standing next to yours.”  I love Lucy!

MERNIE (Marilyn)

Mernie,  who doesn’t like Bernie…hee hee is another very long time friend whom I met back in 1983!  The very first female friend that I met on my own volition while doing ab crunches at the old YWCA.  She quickly became not only an excellent partying buddy, but a confidante too.  We have so much “interesting” history together,  that we could easily blackmail each other if we were desperate.  Of course that will never happen.  She’s been a soft voice in my life when I felt like I was really going to lose it. One time while we were sitting out by her pool and partaking in some delectable herbs I became emotional. Some of this reaction was in part due to my system not being used to the delicacy.  I told her I was afraid of being alone in my old age and didn’t know what I would do. (This came at a time when our future looked rather bleak.)  Without hesitation she said in that sweet Barbie-Doll voice of hers “oh Susie, I’ll take care of you!” Chokes me up to this day when I repeat that!

She has put me in my place a couple times – both incidents over a man.  It was much needed discipline for me, but of course, I didn’t realize it at the time.  When I think about this, I now know that she truly cared about me and wanted me to be alright and see the err of my ways.  Mernie made my first baby crib set for my little Katy  – completely hand sewn! I was totally in awe of someone doing something that special for me.  I still have that quilt, pillow, diaper bag and bumper pads and will always, always treasure it.  Through all of Mernie’s travels with railroader hubby, we never once lost touch.  Somehow we managed to converse semi-regularly no matter where she lived.  I think I have visited her in at least 4 different cities. And when I need a last minute lift from the airport in DFW because of stupid airlines…she doesn’t hesitate!  Or needing a house to stay in because airline services cancelled flights because of snow storms…her house was available.  I love my Mernie and I will need some of that fine Texas hospitality soon again.

COUSINS

I have been fortunate enough to have some girl cousins that I grew up with who were like the best playmates a kid could have.  And then divorce happened!  Both of our parents destroyed our lives!  (that statement was more for dramatic effect).  In a sense though, when both our folks divorced, the kids ended up dispersing to other parts of the country.  Hence,  almost 40 years of distance took us apart. Thank the Gods for Facebook!  Finding my cousins through first FB and then a family reunion made me understand who I was.  I was a part of this big, wacky, loving family that had all kinds of ideas and opinions and cultures and ways of life converging all under one family name – PONTON.  Ancestry.com has got nuthin’ on us.  We already know that many beautiful leaves have become us from this very tree.  I can’t say enough how much my cousins nurturing words of strength and understanding have done for me.  I want all  of them to know how truly how blessed I feel to have you as REAL family, my cousins. I love you Ladies.  You mean more to me than you know.  And not to slight the menfolk and men cousins that are attached to you,  – please know that if I mentioned one of you ladies…then your mate or brother means that much to me too.

Deb, Michelle (Mickey) w/Mike, Co -w/Cousin Dan; Stacey, Amy & Nikki – w/your fellas & bros; Anto w/Cousin Andy; Elaine w/Cousin Mark and Mary – all little leaves and sprouts from the Ponton clan.  

THE CHURCH LADIES – well isn’t that special?

Regardless of where my faith has taken me, some of the most solid and endearing friendships that I have encountered has to be the Church Ladies that I have met.  Our friendships have withstood the test of time, changing ministers, Youth groups, sanctimonious sanctuary sluts, and the common awe we feel watching each others kids have kids creating lives of their own.  I may not always be around these ladies.  I might not even talk to them for weeks, MONTHS even; but it doesn’t matter, they are there always with a hug, a smile, a familiarity that they know ME and my cray-cray ways and they still love me.  In fact these are the ladies that I will ALWAYS include when I’m wanting to have a ladies night out.  Yup the old Church broads that have known me and my girls since Jesus was a kid!  Some of your children babysat my children.  I love them and there’s no part of me that wouldn’t be ME if I hadn’t formed these bonds with these gals oh so many years ago.  I love these ladies and I know they love and adore me and my Dave. I have experienced this first hand in so many ways through cash, (yes showing up at my doorstep with cash for me) wine, food, wine, hugs, prayers,  – oh and wine!  One day I will truly need them and their unwavering faith and strength to see me through maybe even rougher days ahead.  This doesn’t scare me so much knowing that they already have my back.

All my LOVE…

Cheers Dana, Cindi, Clairissa, BrendaPam and Linda. And I miss you Darcy – still all the time!

CHILDHOOD, HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE & SINGLE LADY DAYS

Fact! Facebook finds friends!  That’s a triple muckin’ “F”!  I don’t know who hasn’t benefited from Facebook when finding long-lost somebodys.  Personally, I have reconnected with childhood besties, high school girlfriends, college roomies and young adult gal pals.  I can’t thank Mark Zuckerberg enough for his concept that virtually brought old memories to the forefront of our hearts and our minds. It has been one of my greatest joys to re-live those old times when we were all very different people and then connect and bond all over again some gazillion years later!  I feel especially lucky to know that as adults – some of these women have truly become loving, great people.  At first I was a little intimidated reconnecting with some of these gals.  I mean look at their life compared to mine!  Right? Oh she has had an incredible life.  I can’t even relate!  Bullshit!

The gals that I have been able to reconnect with after many, many years apart have made my life so much more complete.  Not only have we had some small history together, but we are able to carry our love connection into this century again through good ole FB!  I’ve shared some tears with you as of recently my dears, followed up by some life-energizing hugs. You have given me such joyful thoughts with your love.

to name a few…old childhood,  high school buds, former roomies and young adult pals…Becky S-H, Laurie N, Lori C and Lori M, Julie J, Teri C-O, Kathy L, Kate D-J, Janis D, Katy B-H, Nancy L-J, Kris R S, Barb Z, Tracey C T and Tracy B, Rene B-K, Cindy, and the fellas – Skip H, Jeff P, Dave F, Kelley P and Mark W…

Thank you FACEBOOK FRIENDS

And now a word about the Facebook friends I’ve made…YOU genuinely have continued to send positive thoughts, solid prayerful wishes and just simple loving conversations to me and Dave on a regular basis.  In my daily life, checking Facebook often is the source of sustenance for me. (on the flipside, it can also send me plunging into the darkness of despair, frustration or disgust too. – but that’s another blog post for another time.)  I feel at that moment that you are really thinking of me; truly showing concern and lifting me up even if I never lay eyes on you at any time in the near future.  I know who YOU are. I know that YOU care.  I need YOU maybe more than YOU need me.

I would love to begin listing names here, and give proper due, but I know that my good intentions and my shriveled up brain might forget someone.  I would never want to hurt anyone because I forgot a name.  I have confidence in YOU  because you are great peoples with integrity and YOU know who YOU are.  YOU are the ones that took a moment to tell us that YOU love us.  YOU laughed at one of our jokes.  YOU shared something with us that YOU knew would make us laugh (not just a general share, but a more personal share). YOU asked us if we needed something.  YOU personal messaged us just to see how we are doing.  YOU offered to let us stay at YOUR house.  YOU offered a shoulder to cry on if we ever needed. YOU said YOU were praying for us, NOT just flippantly saying “praying for you” (I believe YOU when YOU say YOU are.) And YOU didn’t care what we posted, YOU were still our friends, even if we said something YOU didn’t agree with. We are connected either through another friend, an organization, work or the wind!  I thank you for your continuing support.

To all my Facebook friends, newly friended and “golden”  – I love you all.  With your help both Dave and I keep plugging away trying to stay strong and mostly positive; accept your most gracious gifts and be good stewards of the support you have given us. We do want to be an inspiration to any who want to learn about us.  We want all to know that there is no way in this gargantuan Earth of ours could we ever have made it this far if it wasn’t for the help of our friends.

Yes, we’ll get by with a little help from our friends.  

 

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