Finally finding some peace…

I have finally found myself achieving a couple fairly decent nights sleep.  Thanks to having some soulful, refreshing moments with Dave and Tylenol PM’s, I’ve had at least seven-hours worth of sleep twice now!!

In addition to the rest, I have gone for two walks, once with my kiddo and once with Dave; throw in the little bit of yard work I’ve done in the past couple days  – I would say this has all added up to a better outlook on life, my attitude, and my self.

  • Woot Woot!
  • Rah rah ree, kick ’em in the knee,
  • Rah rah rass, kick ’em in the other KNEE!

Dave and I have also had some rather intense but necessary conversations recently.  They center around the “what ifs” of this Myelofibrosis  journey we are on.  We will eventually have to get to a notary and sign a few homemade documents just to make it legal. Once this is done we can table it and not speak of it anymore.  Going forward, never backward.  Together we will get through this.

I can’t get out of bed…

lately I've been feeling this way

I started to go back to a therapist recently. There are a lot of issues plaguing me these days.  The committee in my head is screaming loudly, forming their conferences without my permission.

I’ve been unemployed for a little while.  At first I was delighted.  I was going to use the down time to conquer some projects that I had put off.  I actually enjoyed being home and found plenty of things to do.  Collecting unemployment has been greatly helpful; it makes me feel like I am still earning a living on my own and gives me a little of my own money.  All of this was fine and dandy until one month turned into another, which turned into another. I would have phone interviews and an occasional face to face interview.  I continued to look for work plowing through all the sites.  I have quite the collection now of job seeking accounts which I monitor on a regular basis. I felt interviews went well and were pretty damn positive.  But who the heck knows what goes on inside the minds of HR people and managers.  It’s a smorgasbord of  principles-these people looking to hire other people.  I have had sooooo many interviews over the past ten years!  I’ve lost count.  I’m a professional interviewee.  Sheesh!

Once the holidays had past in 2011 and I was approaching another birthday, I began to get depressed.  Along with the unemployment, we were now about 5 months into Dave’s disease.  I was doing some serious reflecting.  Lots of “what ifs” conversations between me and the committee.  Many discussions about “loser mentality” occurred without my permission.  My relationship with my girls had changed. I was faltering due to my recent bad choices of coping. With disappointment in their hearts and judgments passed upon me that I had no control over, I found myself desperately alone  and didn’t know how to reach out for help.   Isolation has been the method of choice when I find myself deeply scared and alone.

Do you know that one time, long ago, I tried to form a progressive, inspiring anonymous group called “ISOLATORS  ANONYMOUS” but no one showed up!?      (that’s an old joke but always a good one)

FEAR is a muthafucka!
It can choke the life out of anyone.  It is a direct result of lacking faith. Lately I have been frightened of a lot of things.

FAITH is the essence and crime-fighter of FEAR.  Sometimes I have solid, immovable  faith especially when it pertains to someone else issues.  For me?  Not always so much.

I have the tools of coping with life.  I learned them many years ago when I was active in 12-Step programs.  Obviously I need to go back and take a refresher course.

I’m going to share some great ideas that were given to me by my therapist Christie.  She is a God-send to me.  Sadly I will be losing her in April as she and her hubs are moving to Topeka.  She’ll recommend someone else for me but it’s just the thought of “starting over” with all my MUCK that has me not very excited.  Ah but I digress…

Here are the wonderful tips…and all of them are very do-able:

WAYS TO ELEVATE MOOD by Christie Peterson


Well this is a no-brainer and requires no explanation.  I mean it’s endorphins sistah!  Good for ya, necessary and a given. Come on!


This is a simple task that helps me get motivated to do something.  I confess that lately the simplest things like cleaning the house, EXERCISING, cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, things like this are basically not done.  I find myself completely uninspired to do any of it.  It’s pathetic.  How the 5-Minute Rule works is this:  Let’s say that I have a pile of dishes in the sink and around the countertops just screaming to get done.  I walk past them two, maybe three times a day and sigh.  I don’t want to do them.  Logically I know I they have to be cleaned up, but I have neither the desire or the will to do them, so I don’t.  If I allow myself a window of 5 minutes to simply begin the task; ONLY 5 minutes; and then I can tell myself that after 5 minutes, if I don’t feel like I want to continue or complete the task, than I give myself permission to quit and go back and lay down.  Sounds silly doesn’t it?  But think about it.  If you begin to walk and say to yourself “I’m only gonna walk for 5 minutes, and you begin to loosen up, feel the stride in your legs, notice the warmth emanating through your body, things will begin to happen.  The endorphins will kick in.  You’ll begin to feel lighter and happier that you have made this choice to walk today.  It’s a trick, I know.  But it just might work.


I’m not a yoga expert, but I do know that when Dave and I did our yoga stretches every morning, we both felt more flexible.  It helped our backs and probably our minds.


Oh this one is a goody.   Learned this when I was involved in the “programs”.  Rather than doing a full out, long journal; Journal every night-writing down three things that were positive or made you appreciative in your life that day.


This I don’t do often enough.  Recently I have been reaching out to friends.  They just don’t know that it’s a life-saving line for me to simply converse with them lately.


I remember the impact that volunteering had on my mental well-being.  I haven’t done this since last year.  I will make an effort at this, but feel that it will probably be low on my priorities while I focus on Dave.


Again, this is something that I’ll have to work on.  And it doesn’t have to be a pastor, but rather can be a strong spiritual leader that you look up to.


In my case, this is essential.  I have to be very specific in what I ask of them and not place unattainable expectations upon them.  After all, I’m still a parent and have lived a whole lot more of life than they have.  My desires have to be contained within the realm of what they are capable of.  Christie told me that studies have indicated that the brain is not fully developed until at least the age of 25.  I found that very interesting, especially when I still get shocked over some of the ideas or the way the girls think about some things.  It explains so much and now I can understand a little more where they are coming from.

  • WALKING IN NATURE (with daughter(s))

I use to work out with Sarah at the Y.  I really enjoyed that.  I’ve tried to get Keely to do the same with me, but to no avail.  Katy would likely be my best work out buddy if she were closer.


Hence,…the blog.


I think I’m going to need to start going to some cancer or spousal support groups like Victory in the Valley.  I looked up the times and locales but again….NOT MOTIVATED.


I didn’t realize how hard this one is until I had to think about what exactly makes me happy?  I’ll get back to you on this one.


I think I still have the ability to laugh or smile.  Watching silly movies or comedies; reading ridiculously funny things on the web…laughing at Chano…all these things help.


Nan Myoho Renge Kyo is the current chant that I do often in the tub!  It is the central chant and practice of all  forms of  Nichiren Buddahism, the natural development of joy, increased vitality, courage, wisdom and compassion.
Recently I was introduced via FB friends to Ek Ong Kar Sat Nam Siri Wahe Guru which I am exploring currently.  This requires great focus and breathing which forces you to take time out to not only do this properly but reserve that time for yourself as well. It is said to be powerful and energizing when done correctly.
The Serenity prayer is always my “GO TO” prayer which I say probably ten or more times a day: “God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot Change, the Courage to Change the things that I Can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”  I also pray the Step Three prayer and my own written Step Seven prayer.  And of course all the free flowing prayers and intercessions of prayer and positive thoughts that I offer to my God on a daily basis.


Well folks, this is a hard one.  I can’t remember the last time I got a full, uninterrupted nights sleep.  But again I’m working on it.  I actually believe that last night I slept six hours straight through.  It was amazing!

Meandering thru the Muck

Gasp! My first blog:

Hello Blogging Buddies and Curious Creatures:

Brezhnev-y Brows

men can grow some amazing brows

Posting my first blog.  Nervous.  Excited.  Overwhelmed.  VULNERABLE.

The longing to blog about my heart’s desires has been a process in the making, but mostly in my own mind.  I’ve realized smack dab in the middle of my life – I have come to some realizations about the muck of life… so emphatic that I felt it was necessary to share.

For instance, did you know that as men age they truly do get handsomer.  No fair.  But they also grow hair where there wasn’t much before i.e their ears, their nose, their necks, their Brezhnev-y like eyebrows. Women on the other hand, tend to look a bit more – well, OLDER.  But the benefit we experience on the aging process is that we barely have to shave anymore.  I shave once a week now.  And that’s only because of an obligation to my female self to be hairless where we’ve been indoctrinated to be.  So my younger, hairier sisters, do not despair.  One day you too will be able to give up the razor and spend more time not giving a damn!

Other meanderings of my mind:

Muck is such a great word!  It is also synonymous with dung, manure, mire, mud, waste, trash and so on.  Although I would prefer to listen to the more perkier side of my mind…I find myself meandering through the muck of life.  My blog will be an attempt to share some tidbits that I find amusing while fulfilling that part of me that still thinks she’s a writer.  I also believe that blogging is a positive way to journal what ails ya!   I’ll cover personal struggles such as my eternal quest to find serenity within my self.  I’ll likely discuss often my chronic crusade to  lose this excess weight that tends to envelop me like a soft, fluffy comforter.  My fat – at times a comfort to me because it’s all I know; other times – too much and too warm.  Hmm.  Reminds me of some people I know who are wonderful to be around for a while, but wear out their welcome if they stay too long.  Yup, that’s my fat-an endearing old aunt that you love but don’t want to visit for more than a day or two.  Other personal topics will be wind driven  whatever blows in to this brain of mine from the land of the Southwind.  Topics: Middle-age women who think they are still 30 in their mind but don’t look it or act like it; Beautiful, accomplished daughters who are growing up to be exactly what you have prepared them in life for, but you don’t like it…not one damn bit; Unemployed past 50 – are there really that many of us; Battling the bitch syndrome; and finally no blog can be complete without the articulation of a recovering drug addict, yes that is me. Discuss amongst yourselves.  I’ll get more coffee.!

sometimes I feel like this

"hey I need to axe you a question"

Topic closest to my heart:

I share my life with a wonderful man named David.  He was recently diagnosed with myelofibrosis-a conniving, rare disease that has reared its ugly head upon our lives.  The disease is a bone marrow deficiency in that Dave doesn’t produce enough strong, numerous red blood cells in his marrow to allow him to function like us ‘abnormal’ folks do.  Therefore,  he is pin-cushioned twice weekly to monitor his RBC’s, hemoglobin, WBC’s, and platelets checking the levels so that he doesn’t go anemic on me or god forbid cut himself and bleed like a stuck… [insert object here]!!  Henceforth, my man is sporting a beard now.  “Shaving is a no-no when your platelets are too low”.  Chicca chicca boom!  Dave will be a recipient soon for a bone marrow transplant.  God willing and the creek don’t rise…

So thanks for tuning it.  I’ll write often and love you longer.


Next Newer Entries

%d bloggers like this: