Bottom of the barrel muck

Sometimes it is very good to be left alone in your own pain.

I’m talking about the kind of pain that makes your stomach hurt and you know that if you cry, if you howl, if you moan… and release it, you might not come back.

The kind of pain only you could have placed upon yourself, because if it was bestowed upon you by someone else, you could easily spew the vileness of the pain to another person and be done with it.

The kind of pain where the  scabs and the scars can forever be found in the mirror.

The kind of pain that ruminates inside your head running the tape back in your mind

The kind of pain that flashes in the images – more muted now as hours go by, but some of them raw and fresh and realtime, haunting you as they play their scenes out again, and again.

The kind of pain where there is no need to physically hurt yourself .  Your pain cuts deep enough, no cutter would ignore it.

It’s good sometimes to experience emotional pain all alone, not a soul knowing what you’re going through.   It allows you a chance to marinate for a moment in the fowlest, skankiest bottom of that putrid barrel.

In this world nothing happens to a person the he/she does not for some reason or other DESERVE.  It’s called KARMA baby.  And it’s a mother – mucker.

“I am the owner of my karma .
I inherit my karma.
I am born of my karma.
I am related to my karma.
I live supported by my karma.

 Whatever karma I create, whether good or evil, that I shall inherit.”….The Buddha, Anguttara Nikaya

Well that’s comforting!

That means I can turn this around.





1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Dana Palomo
    Sep 27, 2012 @ 11:45:50

    Hi I’ve been wondering how you guys were doing. Jeff’s transplant was on Aug 23rd so we are at +39 days today. He is doing amazing. Was only in the hospt 28 days from statrt to finish. 7 days of chemo never got nauseas, threw up or never stopped eating. He ate Cheeseburgers most days. The dr was scratching his head most days he was so well. He lost his hair too. So much more work than I anticipated after he came home. And yes I feel your pain. There is no one I feel comfortable enough to say I want to Scream! Between all the meds and dr appointments everyday. I am just tired of him being SICK. There I said it. I feel like a terrible person for even thinking it but unless some one does this day in and day out they never know how exhausting and overwhelming it can be. Thankfully I got a little helper by the name of Prozac a few weeks ago and I feel like things are not so hopeless. You never realize how many things in your home you touch all day long until you are backtracking to keep germs down. “Wear your mask” seems to be my only words some days. He was truly blessed to be spared alot of discomfort during his stay in the hospital. We are encountering some Graft vs Host today for the first time today. Back on Prednisone and Benedryl. Feels really good just to vent. Thanks for the opportunity. Wishing you and David healthy days ahead.

    Dana Palomo



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