Loneliness turns in to ONLY-NESS

Today is our 5th day in Kansas City.  Dave has gone through 2 days of apheresis and three days of chemo.  I really should stop counting down the days, but the fact is that this whole damn process is a countdown.  Therefore, I count.

I find myself feeling a trifle lonely.  I can’t find any better word to describe this.  I am away from my home, my own bed, my animals, and crappy house and my lovely daughters. Although, I am a guest at Dave’s sister’s house and am in great company in the mornings with Dave’s mother Connie and her two adorable dogs, I still feel a bit disconnected.  I suppose it’s the overall participation in this journey of wellness that makes me feel a bit isolated.  My surroundings are unfamiliar, my routine is different and I am Dave’s sole companion where we ARE isolated on this Unit due to restrictions for germ-control.  I am a tiny bit bored too.

Sheesh…saying those words makes me feel like a shit.  I’m suppose to be Dave’s rock and I just admitted that I’m “a tiny bit bored” .  I have already scoped out the Hair Salon.  Got a haircut yesterday.  Tomorrow I’ll go to the Chapel and see if I can meditate like I do at home in a hospital chapel.  I’ve already cruised some neighborhoods and checked out a few garage sales.  And I’m walking every morning so far.   Ok, so good for me.  Why do I still feel a little longing for something? *sigh**

While we are cavorting at the KU Med Ritz Carlton, my daughters are all finding themselves working through their own kind of loneliness too.  My oldest daughter Katy has dealt with this separation issue for years now.  But every time our family has a crisis, she feels detached from what is going on.  Poor girl.  When she is struggling with life issues or gets sick, I know that she has a difficult time because she misses us so much.  I think she misses her mom!  Even though she’s been in Florida since 2005, there are still moments where I ache for her.  And I won’t even go to that place of ache and longing when we talk about my adorable grandson Kody.

Mommy Katy snuggles up Kody after a chilly, windy day on the beach.


I miss this little guy more than I can say

My Oreo Cookie cream in the middle kiddle is also away from her own familiar surroundings.  Keely courageously drove up to S.D. to hang with my sister for the summer and make some money working at a saloon and a coffee shop.  What started out as being fun and exciting is now causing her homesickness and detachment.  I know that her personality tends towards fickleness, but she is allowed to feel all those feelings.  How do young people who leave their homes to set out in the world ever NOT feel lonely?  I hope she uses this time as an adventure of discovery, a chance for making a little money and a change of scenery.

the creamy frosting in the middle, Keely

Finally, my baby Sarah is left to care for our home, garden, pond and animals.  It’s a big responsibility for an 18-yr-old, but I believe she is up for the task.  She has expressed to me how lonely she is feeling as well.  Being in our empty house, and having to change her priorities has obviously made her step out of her comfort zone.  Two recent events, breaking up with a boy and making a bad decision causing hurt feelings has left her feeling rejected and isolated.

The depending upon “baby” Sarah.

And need I say anything about the loneliness and isolation Dave may experience from time to time?

Still smiling…my Dave

So ain’t we the Motley Lot?  All of us distinctly separated from one another. Each of us  trying to merely put one foot in front of the other biding our time and doing the next right thing.

If we could all remember that we are ONLY LONELY temporarily.  WE are ONLY doing what we need to do JUST FOR NOW.  It’s “only-ness” rather than loneliness

Oh the ONLY-ness of what we do

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