Did I say I can’t sleep (again)

…these words echo inside the fjords of my head.  I take OTC sleeping aids because I do not want to come to rely on prescription drugs.  I’m tired but I’ve been a sloth.  I’m a sloth because I’m so damn tired.  I’m tired because I don’t get enough exercise.  I don’t sleep so I’m too tired to exercise.  And around and around and around it goes.  AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  *sound of me screaming*

I meditate, take hot baths and pray.  I play boring word games on my Kindle at night so that I don’t get wrapped up in my books. I blog, beg and blunder.  I’m a mess.  Although it sounds like I’m a mess all the time…I think that when I gauge myself against the “normies” of the world, even having two bad days a week CAN measure up to being a mess.

I don’t know how we’ll pay our medicals bills.  Probably can’t.  I don’t know how I will feel if I lose Dave.  Shouldn’t concern myself – instead be positive.  This may be a bad time to go back to work.  Dave needs me.  Things are coming up this summer that require my attention.  Is this Gods timing.  Is this the Universe aligning or am I aligning within the Universe and at last this is my time?  Will they like me when they meet me?  Can I do this?  Am I capable?  What if they don’t like me?  Oh God I need to lose weight.  I want to lose weight.  I’m stuck in this body.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH  *little louder scream*

Welcome to inside my head…..

I know what’s troubling me.  And I won’t likely find peace until I do something about it.  Only I can do it too.

I submit my will. I’m done.  Kaput!  I surrender my whole being to a Higher Power far, far greater than me.


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